Prologue: Preparedness

I sent out my mission letter a couple weeks ago to many people, informing them of the mission that I was to depart on and why I had decided to go on this mission. I also included that donations for this mission trip were welcomed and would be greatly appreciated. I did anticipate some donations, but not any set amount from any certain people by any means whatsoever. I did not hold any expectations of people, because I truly felt that whatever I would receive would be a gift and I would be exceedingly grateful for it. That being said, words cannot express how blessed I have felt as the donations have been coming. The levels of me feeling blessed are not directly influenced by large donations by any means and I am not meaning to give that notion in this post. I feel blessed because of the willingness, the generosity, and the supportiveness that so many people have shown towards me. All of the donations that I have received have impacted me greatly in their own specific way, and I hope that everyone who has given me a donation realizes that regardless of their amount, they have my humblest and most honest thanks. Some of the donations I have received have been in amounts that are shockingly significant with respect to the donor, some have come with heart-felt notes showing encouragement and prayers, and some have touched me just by me reading who they were from. Even those people who were unable to make donations; I know that I am being prayed for by many, and I hope they know that they are not required to give me donations for me to be thankful for them. I realize that if I go on with these thanks I will soon sound like a broken record, but I truly feel like I cannot say thanks enough. These past couple of weeks have shown me how the Holy Spirit is very active and living through people here on this world, and He has been blessing me to no end. God's fingerprints are all over these letters and donations.

With this downpour of blessings cascading upon me, my sense of worthiness of such helpfulness has been diminishing more and more. I feel like I am not deserving of any of this, and at time I enter the mindset where I think that the only way of earning these donations is by making the absolute most out of this trip I will be embarking on for the next 5 months. While doing my best sure is a good idea, I have taken it to the next level by over-thinking about it, resulting in me growing more and more anxious and nervous and at times scared about this coming adventure. I'm not scared about not getting along with my classmates or the staff, I'm not scared about not enjoying the adventure, and I'm not scared about being in a new and foreign place, what I am scared of though is that I will let everybody back home down and that I will make their efforts and assistance seem futile and pointless. This thought process sounds absolutely absurd because, well, it is. I know that one does not "fail" a mission trip, and that is because a mission trip cannot be thought of that way, which is what I am realizing even now as I type this.

I have expressed these concerns to close people around me by explaining how I feel horrible that I might disappoint ones that I love, not to mention The One I Love Most, I'll go further even and say that I don't feel "prepared" enough for this trip. All of their initial reactions are ones of disbelief towards my preposterous thoughts. Without fail, they all tell me how I will not let anyone down, so long as I keep my eyes focused on God. Such a simple and obvious statement with such a powerful and overwhelming impact on the predicament I had placed on myself. I'm reminded of a professor I took a class from at SPU last Spring Quarter. The class was "C.S. Lewis and Values" which was taught by Mike Macdonald, and one phrase he said time and time again, as it turned out to be relevant towards most topics in that class, was one that I feel will stick with me for the rest of my life: "The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing." I'm sure that he was not the creator of this fantastic phrase, but he still has my thanks for teaching it to me. Towards my feelings of "unpreparedness", my friends assured me that that feeling was pure nerves and that it was just me freaking out. Well, as true as that sentence may have been, it has also been one that I have been hearing my entire life as I often over-think issues, so I decided to look for anything the Bible might have to say about this feeling, and I was not disappointed. I was led to Philippians 4:6, 7:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (NIV).

I love how clear the directions are in this verse. It says blatantly to give all your fears and anxieties to God by presenting them to Him through prayer, and God's all-powerful and dominating peace will trump those feelings and fill your heart and mind. That verse is what I needed to hear, and it is surely helping me as the days count down towards departure. I still feel blessed beyond comprehension, but I am now at a point where although I know that the donations are more than I myself deserve, I don't feel bad about them and I don't feel scared about pleasing the donors. I am at peace, my mind is clear, my heart is full, and I am now ready to embark on this adventure God has called me to do.